In The Aftermath
by LillyOfTheValley
Summary: In the aftermath of the war, Hermione will be forced to choose between the man who has stood by her side for years and the man who stood before her to save her life.
1. The Aftermath

Author's Note: I'm actually starting another multi-chapter story. Crazy I know. I'm not exactly sure what pairing this is going to end up as so we'll be on the journey together. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters.

The night of the ultimate battle was dark and dreary and smoke billowed ominously all around. Hermione Granger was sure that time was running fast. It was running so fast that they had no time to catch their breath and life in that moment became nothing more than an endless play of hexes and curses, their lights flashing in a macabre display or color.

Then Hermione tripped and fell and time stood still. She felt as if her heart had been ripped from her chest as she looked into the vacant emerald eyes of her best friend in the whole world. In the back of her mind she knew that the anguished scream that was ripped from her body would alert the Death Eaters to her position, but all thoughts of her own welfare dimly receded.

With a trembling hand she smoothed the hair from his face and closed his eyes. With tears falling from her eyes she kissed his forehead one last time and prepared to apparate with his body back to headquarters. Then in an instant a heavy black boot kicked her wand away, leaving her defenseless. She cursed herself for putting it down in the first place and looked up into the face of Draco Malfoy.

"What a touching display," he sneered.

"Go to hell Malfoy!"

The wizard's face contorted into a terrible mask of rage and he raised his wand. "Crucio!" Hermione valiantly fought to keep from showing the pain, but visceral need won out. The piercing scream she let out had Malfoy laughing cruelly. He swiftly lowered his wand and regarded her with hard eyes. "I'm going to enjoy this after all these years Mudblood."

As he raised his wand Hermione readied herself, refusing to turn from death. But her demise was not to come. A black robed figure was suddenly in front of her, wand raised.

"Avada Kedavra!"

The all too familiar green light was momentarily blinding and in the next instant Draco Malfoy was dead. Hermione waited in weightless anticipation for her savior to reveal himself. He turned to her and her breath caught in her throat.

"Zabini?"

He nodded slowly. "You need to go Granger.

She shook her head. "You… I need to…"

He strode over and took her face in his hands, forcing her to look into the fathomless depths of his dark eyes. "You're in shock Granger. You need to go; if Draco is here others can't be far behind."

The enormity of what he had done for her suddenly dawned. "Zabini, your best friend. I…"

He cut her off with a firm shake of his head. He briefly squeezed his eyes shut and when he opened them a single tear traced a path through the blood and grime on his cheek. "Take Potter and go Granger." He let her go abruptly and turned to Draco's body. When she didn't move he shouted. "Go!"

With one last look at the dark Slytherin she took hold of Harry and apparated to battle headquarters. Hermione had a moment to register the screams and sobs before she passed out cold.

What could have been days or hours later Hermione fought her way out of a fog. She came to and found Ginny and Molly Weasley sitting on either side of her bed. The moment she saw Hermione's eyes open Ginny was up and out of the room, calling for Madame Pomfrey. Hermione turned her head to look at Molly. "Where am I?" she asked hoarsely.

"You're at Hogwarts in one of the classrooms. They've been set up for extra hospital rooms. The war is over."

"We've won?"

Tears shone in the Weasely matriarch's eyes but she nodded. "Yes dear, we've won."

"Good, that's good."

"Yes. We've been so worried about you dear; you've been slipping in and out for three days now. Of course Harry has been just absolutely…"

Hermione's heart leapt to her throat. "Harry's alive?"

Molly looked a bit surprised by the outburst but nodded. "Yes dear, he's fine. He's a little banged up of course but doing as well as could be expected. He's down in the great hall now…"

Before Molly could finish the sentence Hermione was out of bed and running. She passed a confused Ginny and ignored Madame Pomfrey's shouts for her to get back in bed as she practically flew to the Great Hall. She skidded to a stop at the doors and looked frantically around. She finally caught sight of him leaning over Tonks and Lupin to peer at the paper and his name caught in her throat. The tears came hot and fast and she took a shuddering breath. She finally managed to rasp out his name over the lump in her throat.

He heard her immediately and turned with wide eyes.

"Hermione you shouldn't be out of bed."

She could only shake her head as a sob broke free and she ran to him as fast as her legs could take her. He caught her in his arms and held her shaking form tight as she sobbed against his chest.

"They didn't break the news gently did they?" he asked as he stoked her hair absently.

"I thought you were dead. I found you and you were so cold. You looked like you were already gone."

She broke off and he simply held her as she cried. Not used to such an emotional Hermione he hastily explained. "It was a spell. I looked dead, felt dead but I knew what was going on around me. I don't know who hit me with the spell but I knew when you were there. I couldn't move or say anything but I knew. I heard Malfoy and Zabini."

She nodded against his chest. "I was lucky Zabini was there to save me."

"You were. He's been working with the Order, we only just found out. He's fine."

Hermione took a moment to absorb the information then shook her head. "It doesn't matter now. Did we all make it?" Harry's long pause had worry creeping in. "Harry?"

When she looked up into his face she saw tears behind his glasses. He shook his head. "There were a lot of casualties. Seamus, Neville, Luna, Padma, Ron." His voice caught at the last.

"Ron?" she asked weakly. When he nodded she went limp in his arms, her sobs echoing through the hall. Harry sunk to the floor with Hermione in his arms and for the first time in three days let himself cry over the death of his other best friend.

At the table Tonks leaned into Lupin and brushed the tears from her eyes. "He's in love with her isn't he?"

Lupin nodded. "He is. I just don't think he knows it yet."

Some time later Hermione's sobs faded away and Harry lifted in her arms and carried her up to her bed. For hours she slept fitfully, half-waking up often. Every time she woke Harry was there. When she fully woke for the first time the room was pitch black.

"Harry?"

"I'm here." He squeezed her hand and lit the lamp next to the bed. "How do you feel?"

"Like I've been run over by a lorrie."

He brushed his thumb soothingly across the back of her hand. "Madame Pomfrey said you might. Would you like some of the potion she left?"

"Yes, that would be wonderful actually."

Harry let her go of her hand for a moment and measured out a dose of the potion. When Hermione finished with the apparently vile tasting liquid he set the bottle away. Not sure if she would appreciate the contact he let his hands rest on top of the blanket. He was relieved when she reached over and laced her fingers through his.

"Will you tell me what happened Harry?"

"I'll tell you as much as I can. After we all split up that night I went looking for Voldemort. It wasn't all that hard to get to him. He was so convinced of his victory that he practically left a trail of bread crumbs for me. I honestly don't remember a lot of what happened then. There were the usual traded insults, last ditch promises of what he could do for me if I came over to his side. Then things go a little blurry after that. I was so angry. The next clear thought I have is of looking down at his body. I was headed back to headquarters when I was hit by that spell. You came in right after that. Once you apparated us back you passed out. Everyone thought I was dead but it was Lupin who figured out that I was alive. Once I came to everything was pretty much finished. The others took care of the last of the Death Eaters, we made sure that Voldemort was dead and then we moved the injured to the school. We buried the dead the next day and we've been trying to start over."

As he finished the story Hermione raised their joined hands to rest against her cheek. "You did it Harry, you won."

He shook his head. "I'm not a hero Hermione, not really. We all won, not just me."

She nodded. "You're right, we all won, but it was you Harry. It was always you."

He couldn't think of anything even remotely dignified to say so he just smiled and shrugged. For a while they talked about the process of rebuilding everything that had been destroyed in the past years and healing everyone who had been injured. Hermione's voice became raspier by the minute and finally Harry reluctantly left to go and get her some tea.

When Harry got to the kitchens he had his usual discussion with Dobby and agreed to take Hermione some broth along with her tea. As he sat waiting for the tray he was startled by Ginny's sudden presence.

"Harry, what are you doing here?" she asked, pushing long red hair from her eyes.

"Hermione's awake; I'm waiting for some tea and broth."

Ginny nodded and took a seat as she told one of the elves what she needed. "I couldn't sleep. I can't stop thinking about Ron." When she looked up there were tears in her eyes.

"I can't either Gin. It's a blow to all of us."

"How's Hermione?"

"She's ok. She's upset of course, she didn't get to say goodbye after all."

They both went silent until Ginny broke the quiet suddenly. "We need to talk Harry."

He sighed. "Yeah we do."

"It's just, there's something I need to tell you, something I should have told you a long time ago. It was just that it never seemed like the right time with the war and everything."

"Ginny you're rambling, just tell me."

"I'm in love with Dean," she blurted out.

Much to her surprise Harry smiled. "I know Gin. I may be me, which means that I'm a bit clueless, but I'm not a complete prat. I've know about the two of you for a while."

"And you're not upset?"

"I was at first, but the more I thought about it the more sense it made. You and I started when I was sixteen and we've both been through more than a lot since then. Now I'm twenty and we've been through a war. We've changed Gin, and I think Dean's right for you."

She smiled at him amazedly. "Harry Potter when did you get so wise?"

"I lived through a war; no one can live through a war and not change." Dobby appeared suddenly with his tray for Hermione and he thanked him as he took it. As he passed Ginny Harry laid a hand on her shoulder briefly. "Be happy Gin."

When Harry got back to Hermione's room her found her sound asleep. With a sigh he set the tray on the table and settled into the chair again for the night.


	2. I Am Just A Man

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters

The next day Madame Pomfrey gave Hermione the okay to be up and around. Since high stress seemed to be what kept landing her flat on her back she was instructed to keep the stress level as low as possible. What constituted a low stress level was currently a bone of contention between her and Harry.

"Hermione I don't think this is a good idea. This is one of the most stressful things you could possibly do."

Hermione shook her head as she pulled a jacket on in the Great Hall. "I need to do this Harry. I want to see, more than that I need to."

"I still think it's too soon."

She laid her hand on his arm gently. "I appreciate your concern Harry, I really do, but I won't break. "

He sighed. "There's no way I can convince you not to do this is there?"

"No there's not," she told him with a smile.

Harry shook his head and pulled his jacket on as well. "Then I'm at least going with you. Come on."

They walked together out of the castle and across the grounds. At the edge of the forest they came to the newest edition to the grounds, the graveyard where all of the casualties of the war had been laid to rest. Hermione walked from grave to grave, crying silently as she read the names written on the stones. Harry stood stoically beside her the entire time while never uttering a word. Though she resolutely put it off she knew at last that it was time to see where Ron was buried.

"Harry…"

He cut her off with a simple nod of his head and led her to the far corner of the walled in graveyard. There it was, standing solitary under a newly planted tree. The stone bore the name Ronald Weasley, his dates of birth and death and a simple inscription: _Brave to the last, a hero through and through._

"The inscription fits. I never told you, how he died I mean."

She turned her tear stained face to look at him. "Tell me now."

"I wasn't there, everyone told me later. Apparently Luna had broken her leg and couldn't walk. One of the Death Eaters was coming towards her and she couldn't move, couldn't find her wand. The Death Eater cast the killing curse but Ron jumped in front of her and took the curse for her. She apparently grabbed Ron's wand and finished the Death Eater. But she died a couple of hours later."

"He really was a hero," Hermione managed to whisper.

"Yeah, he was."

With tears badly blurring her vision she groped for Harry's hand. For a long while they stood hand in hand simply remembering. Slowly, Hermione's thoughts turned towards life. She began to contemplate how lucky she was to be standing there at that moment. Though she would have to deal with the pain and grief of losing so many friends, she was there. In that moment she made a decision.

"I want to talk to Zabini," she announced.

Harry shook himself out of his thoughts and stared down at her. "I figured you may want to, but he's gone."

"Gone? What do you mean gone?"

He shrugged. "He left yesterday without saying a word to anyone. He just took his stuff and went.

"I really feel like I need to say something to him Harry. Is there any way to find him?"

"I'm not sure but I'll see if I can find anything."

"Thank you." She looked down at the stone one last time and closed her eyes briefly. When she opened them again they were sad but clear. "Come on, let's go."

Two months later nobody had seen or heard from Blaise Zabini since the day he'd left Hogwarts. Most people had given up on finding him, but Hermione was determined to talk to him. Because Harry knew it he had contacts all over trying to locate the Slytherin. Meanwhile he and Hermione were sharing an apartment while she trained to be a healer and he trained to be an auror.

Unfortunately there was no longer any way for Harry to escape recognition in the wizarding world. He couldn't take two steps down the street without someone stopping him to thank him profusely for what he'd done. Half of his auror trainers and his fellow trainees assumed that he already knew everything there was to know so he was barely doing anything. He was growing increasingly frustrated and it all came to a head one day when he went to visit Lupin at Grimmauld place. The old house had been radically changed since he'd sold it to Remus and Tonks right after the war.

Harry and Remus were sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee, talking about anything and everything and eventually the subject of training came around.

"Tell me Harry, how is training going?" Remus knew immediately that it was a bad question to ask.

Harry's eyes flashed dangerously. "It's absolute shite."

Lupin sighed but decided it was best to continue the conversation. "And why is that?"

"I'm not doing anything! Everyone just thinks I already know how to do everything! That plus the fact that half the people I'm training with can't even look at me without falling all over themselves is enough to drive me up a wall!"

"It must be difficult for you Harry, but I'm honestly not sure what you expected."

Harry slammed his hand down on the table before standing up to pace. "I don't know either, but it couldn't have been this."

"You vanquished the most terrible dark wizard in history Harry."

"I know that! I better than anyone know that. But I never asked to be anyone's savior. I'm not The Boy Who Lived or the chosen one. I'm just me. I'm not a hero, I'm not an angel. I'm just a man Remus, and that's all I want to be."

"I know understand all of that, but you're Harry Potter. You'll always be famous, and like it or not you'll always be the redeemer of the wizarding world."

Harry sunk back into his chair. "I know that, but I wish everyone could just understand. They see me as the great savior but nobody really understands how I feel."

"Try to make me understand Harry."

He shook his head. "I did what I had to do Remus. What Voldemort did to my family and friends made it so it was what I had to do. But people died because of me. People who were following me were dragged off the battlefield."

"People make their choices."

"I know that, but people I love died because of me." His voice broke a bit. "Sirius and Ron died because of me."

Lupin's heart broke a bit at the words but he spoke sharply. "You no more caused Ron and Sirius' deaths than I caused myself to be a werewolf."

"I've already heard it all Remus, trust me."

"Well then you're going to hear it again," he said with a frown. "Do you honestly think that Ron wouldn't have been out there no matter what? Even if the two of you had never met he still would have fought. His family have been opposed to Voldemort all along, and even if you had never come along Ron would have been on that battlefield, so don't for a moment think that you were the cause of his death. And as far as Sirius, we both know that there was nothing that could have stopped him going to the Ministry that night. He was always strong willed and ruthlessly determined. There wasn't anything you could have done."

Harry stared at Lupin for a long moment before he spoke. "Everything you say makes sense in my head, but I still can't reconcile everything."

Remus shook his head and decided to move on from that particular topic. "Have you told Hermione how you feel about all of this?"

He frowned. "No I haven't. She went through enough and I don't want her to worry about this."

"And you don't want to burden her. You should talk to her Harry. She may have gone through a lot but she's a tough girl."

"She's tough but I won't have my worries on her shoulders."

They both went silent for a moment and Remus studied his young friend for a moment before deciding to dive in. "Have you ever considered telling her that you love her?"

"Of course I have but it never…" He caught himself and trailed off with a frown. "That was tricky of you wasn't it?"

"I suppose it was, yes," he said with a smile. "Tonks and I knew the moment she came into the Great Hall that day, and I'm serious about letting her know"

"I know you are, but I've thought it over millions of times and I always come to the same conclusions. She's my best friend, and I wouldn't destroy that friendship for anything in the world."

"What if she feels the same?"

"I don't think she does, and it's not a chance I'm willing to take. If me not telling her can keep her happy for that much longer then I'm prepared to do that. I'm all about self sacrifice remember?" he said wryly.

Remus ignored Harry's little dig at himself and smiled. "When did you become such a grown up?" he asked.

"You know I've been wondering that myself lately."

"I just want to tell you that I'm proud of you Harry. You've done well with your life under extraordinary pressure and in extreme circumstances. You've become a very good man."

Harry smiled a genuine smile for the first time that day. "Thank you, it means a lot to hear that from you." He paused. "Dad."

They both laughed out loud and Remus let out a sigh. "Dad, oh Merlin I'm old."

"Hey if you're dad does that mean I get to call Tonks Mom?" Harry asked with a grin.

"Not if you want to live much longer," Tonks piped up from the doorway.

Both men turned to look at her and Harry smiled, noting that her hair was green today. "Okay, okay. How about Auntie Tonks?"

"Don't bet on it," she said with a giggle. As she crossed the kitchen she tripped over a stray shoe and with a muttered oath went tumbling. Thankfully she was within arms reach of Remus and he reached out and pulled her into his arms before she could hit the floor.

He settled her on her lap with a smile. "Now isn't that handy?" he asked innocently.

"Very handy," she said seriously, bending to give him a kiss.

Harry laughed and rose from the table. "I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. Thanks Remus." He was halfway to the door when he heard Remus shout.

"Tell her Harry!"

When he had gone Tonks stood to make herself some tea. "He still hasn't said anything to Hermione then?"

Remus rose with a sigh and came to stand behind her. "No, he's too bloody stubborn. Sometimes he's entirely too much like Sirius."

A moment later Tonks squealed as she distinctly felt someone pinch her bum. She turned and did her best to muster up a dirty look, but found she couldn't quite get there. "Sometimes so are you."

Author's Note: When Harry talks about just being a man, that line is from a song by the amazing Josh Groban called "In Her Eyes". The original line is "I am not a hero, I am not an angel, I am just a man."


	3. Even If It Can't Be Me

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters

When Harry apparated into the side street that ran against his flat it was with a sigh of relief. He'd managed to avoid being seen the rest of the day and now he could just settle in for the night and stop worrying for a couple of hours. When he let himself in the front door he was surprised that the usual pile of shoes wasn't cluttering up the entryway. Originally Harry and Hermione had shared the large apartment by themselves, but they quickly realized it was too much for just the two of them. Only a couple weeks after they moved in they invited their friends to share the space and now Hermione and Ginny were bunking together and Dean and Harry shared a room, though

In about a year the arrangements would be changing.

"Hello, anybody home?" When he didn't receive and immediate response Harry shrugged and flopped down on the couch and shut his eyes.

"You forgot didn't you?" Hermione's voice filtered in.

Harry opened his eyes to look at her and as usual he felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach. It didn't matter that he saw her every day, it was always the same. It had started that day in the Great Hall and he'd passed it off as just being happy to see that she was ok. A few days later he'd realized he was in love with her; the sensation hadn't stopped since then.

"Harry?"

He shook himself from his ruminations and let his eyes shut again. "Probably, but what exactly did I probably forget?"

The couch shifted as she sat next to him. "Ginny and Dean's surprise engagement party."

Harry's eyes opened again immediately and he turned to look at her. "Bloody hell!"

"You did forget," she sighed.

"I did, I can't believe it but I did. I was just over talking to Remus, I wonder why he didn't say anything."

She shrugged. "I'm sure you two were talking about something important."

"I thought so at the time but today nothing can be more important than the party," he told her simply.

Hermione nodded and stood. "Well come on, if we floo to the Burrow we'll just make it on time."

Harry and Hermione stumbled out of the fireplace into a packed house. People stood waiting all over the place and spilled out into the backyard. All of the Weasleys were there with families or girlfriends in tow along with the majority of the Order and what looked like half of Ginny and Dean's Hogwarts classmates. When she saw the pair of them Mrs. Weasley rushed over.

"Thank goodness the pair of you got here, they'll arrive any minute and I wasn't sure you were going to make it," she fussed as she brushed soot off the both of them.

Standing next to the window Fred whistled to get everyone's attention. "They're coming!"

Everyone went incredibly quiet, especially considering the sheer volume of people and when Ginny and Dean walked through the door everyone screamed as loud at they could a resounding "Surprise!" The looks on both of their faces were priceless as someone shoved bottles of Butterbeer at them and congratulations went around.

After the initial shock wore off the party moved into full swing. Ginny proudly showed her ring to all of the classmates and friends who hadn't seen it yet as Dean received several hearty slaps on the back from all of the Weasley men. Drinks and food were all over the place and the music and excited chatter was occasionally punctuated by Mrs. Weasley bursting into tears at the thought that her youngest would be married in a year's time.

Not fully able to shake off his dark mood from earlier in the day, Harry largely stuck to the outskirts of the room, talking to people when they passed or found him. Hours into the festivities he found himself looking across the room at Hermione who was occupied with bouncing Charlie's youngest on her knee. From a distance she looked much as she had when they left school. The hair was still wildly curly and unmanageable, the eyes the same dark brown and the clothes were still a tad bit frumpy. But Harry knew that there was so much more to her than the image she projected. There was an endless intellect and wit under the hair, still a gentle sadness in the eyes, and under the clothes there was a forever giving heart.

As he mused she looked up and smiled at him from across the room, holding the baby's hand gently and waving for both of them. Harry managed a silly grin and waved back even as his heart cracked. In the time since he'd realized his feelings for Hermione he couldn't count how many times he'd wished he could hold her heart, even as he knew that it would never happen. But seeing her sitting there with joy in her eyes and a baby in her arms made him want her and the promise of the future even more, and it drove him mad, broke his heart.

"Why don't you just tell her Harry?" Ginny's gentle voice asked from behind him.

He turned to face her and Dean and shrugged, trying for levity. "Is there anyone who doesn't know about this?"

"Hermione," Dean told him. "But be serious Harry, practically everyone can tell how miserable you are."

Harry shook his head. "It comes and it goes; I can't tell her."

"Why not?" Ginny asked indignantly.

"You're so stubborn," he chuckled. "I'll tell you the same thing I told Remus earlier today. I do love her, more than I ever thought I was capable. But she's my best friend, and I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that, not ever."

"But Harry you can't just sit and watch and never say anything. What are you going to do when someone else comes along and whisks her away?"

"I'll threaten to break him if he so much as thinks of hurting her, and then I'll let it go. There's nothing in the world that would make me happier than to see her happy, even if it's not with me."

"Harry…" Dean started.

Harry cut him off with a shake of the head and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "Don't worry about me, especially not tonight. This is you're night, and you both deserve all of this happiness."

"But you deserve to be happy too Harry."

Hours later when the party was winding down Ginny found Lupin and pulled him aside.

"I'm worried about Harry, Remus," she told him seriously.

"We all are, Ginny."

She ran her hands through her hair furiously. "I don't know what to do for him. He's grown up so much since school; he's almost like a different person."

Remus nodded. "I know; he blames himself for so much of what happened during the war. He blames himself for Ron and Sirius, and he can't let go of that."

"I can't even count the times that we've told him that none of what happened was his fault," she said sadly. "He can't accept it. Of course it doesn't help that he's practically burning up inside loving Hermione and refuses to say anything to her."

"Hermione told me during the war that she'd always thought that Harry had a "saving people thing" and I think she's right. I think Harry feels responsible for Hermione's well-being in a lot of ways, and to him keeping quiet about his feelings is a way of saving her, saving their friendship; even if the entire idea is a load of rubbish."

Ginny sighed. "I just wish I could make it okay."

Remus patted her warmly on the shoulder. "I don't think we can make this one okay Ginny. If Harry won't listen to us he'll have to heal on his own."

"I know, I do, I'm just afraid that he'll break all over again before he can heal."

When the last guest to the Burrow Mrs. Weasley sent Hermione and Harry home while Ginny and Dean insisted on staying a bit longer to help clean up; when they tumbled into the apartment Hermione collapsed on the couch with a sigh.

"That was a wonderful party wasn't it?" she asked. "They're so happy together."

Harry flopped down next to her and heaved out a breath. "Yeah, they really are. I'm glad for them."

"Now if only we could get Molly to stop crying all the time. If she keeps this up until the wedding we'll all need rowboats on the big day."

He laughed. "I'd say that rowboats are a definite possibility."

Comfortable silence momentarily cloaked them before Hermione spoke again. "I went into the kitchen tonight to get some more cookies and I found her crying over a case of Butterbeer. Of course I told her that it was only natural to be emotional that her baby was getting married but she said that wasn't it this time."

"What was she crying about then?" he asked.

She took a deep breath. "She said that she wished Ron could have been there, that she knew he would have been so happy."

Harry nodded. "He would have been excited, but only after he threatened to rip Dean's head off."

"That's so true," she managed with a slight smile. "I wish he could have been there too, I still miss him so much."

"Me too," he replied quietly.

Just then Ginny and Dean flooed in. "You two look awfully glum," Ginny said.

"Just thinking about Ron," Hermione told her.

They sat down and Ginny sighed. "I know, I've been thinking about him a lot the past couple of days. I wish he was here."

"We all do," Dean said gently, pulling her into his arms. "But I'm sure wherever he is he's cursing me whole heartedly and threatening to rip my arms out of their sockets if I hurt you"

They all burst out laughing simply because they knew that Dean was so on the money. Their hysterical laughter was interrupted by the tapping of a tawny owl at the window. Ginny went over and opened the window. The owl settled on the perch they kept there and lifted its talons almost imperiously while she untied the letter. After giving the bird some small treat she unrolled the parchment.

"It's for you Harry."

He came over and took the letter from her. When he read it he felt his stomach drop to the floor.

'_Potter,_

_I'm back in London and all I've heard since I got here is that you've been looking for me. Send a reply and let me know what's so damned important. _

_Zabini'_

He knew talking to Zabini was important to Hermione, but in the months since the final battle she'd become almost obsessed about it, and it worried him. Emotions must have been playing on his face because Hermione's voice was concerned when she spoke. "What is it Harry?"

He cleared his throat and forced a smile when he looked up. "Nothing's wrong. Zabini's back in town, wants to know why I've been looking for him. I guess now you can get your chance to talk to him. "

Even as Ginny and Dean exchanged a worried glance Hermione smiled brightly and nodded. "I guess you're right."

"Well I'll send a reply first thing and tell him what's going on. Any particular time you'd like to meet?" he asked, cringing at the pain in his chest as he turned to write a reply.

"Whenever he can," she replied eagerly.

"Hermione are you sure this is a good idea?" Ginny asked.

"I'm positive Gin."

That night Harry couldn't sleep. He tossed and turned for hours in bed before he finally gave up and went out into the kitchen to try and find something to occupy his time. With a sigh he gathered up the fixings for old fashioned hot chocolate, a favorite of all the tenants. As he heated the milk a door closed quietly and he turned as Ginny padded into the kitchen.

"You going to share that?" she asked.

"Sure, have a seat. What are you doing up?" he asked as she settled at the table.

"I was thinking, couldn't seem to get to sleep," she said with a shrug. "I don't think Hermione should meet with Zabini."

Harry blew out a hard breath as he stirred flaked chocolate into the hot milk. "I don't think she should either, but she's a big girl and she has to make her own decisions."

"I know that but she's been obsessive about it. I know that he saved her life but…"

Harry set a full mug down in front of her and settled across the table with his own. "But what?"

"I remember what Zabini was like at Hogwarts. He's, well I guess compelling is the best word I can think of. Women fall for him ridiculously easily and I guess I'm just afraid that Hermione will too, especially given the fact that she's got some kind of hero worship going on with him."

Harry remembered too, and he didn't know how to tell Ginny that he'd been fearing the same thing since the day Hermione had told him she wanted to speak to Zabini. He'd been thinking about it nonstop for the past two months and it made his heart ache to think that Hermione could end up as another one of Zabini's conquests; but what could they do? "I don't want her to get hurt any more than you do Gin, but how can we stop her? How do we tell her that we don't think she could speak to the man who killed his best friend to save her?"

She let her head fall to the table before raising it to look at him again. "You're right, and I know it, but it doesn't stop me worrying."

"It doesn't stop either of us worrying, but she has to make her own decisions, and we can't stop her from seeing him, not after what he did for her."

"You're right, let's just hope that she doesn't get her heart trampled on in the process."


	4. Pieces of You

Author's Note: The next chapter, sorry it's taken so long. I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters.

A week later Hermione found herself fussing in front of the mirror before her meeting with Zabini. She'd been debating over which sweater to wear for an hour, and just when she finally thought she'd landed on the right one she was questioning herself again. With a sigh she looked down at her watch and saw that she didn't have any more time to debate. If she wanted to be on time she would have to apparate in the next five minutes; so it looked like she was stuck with what she had on. She spared another moment to look in the mirror one last time before she headed out of her room.

Everyone was home that particular Saturday afternoon and they sat in the living room with their muggle television showing the news. When Hermione emerged Harry was relieved to see that she hadn't particularly dressed for the occasion, she wore one of her simple skirt and sweater combos. Still, she was looking bright and happy and it twisted his gut. But he smiled along with Dean and Ginny until she was out of the apartment. When the door shut behind her his face fell along with a deafening silence.

"I still don't like it," Ginny said quietly.

They were meeting at a muggle café that Hermione and her friends frequented; when she apparated into the alley just around the corner butterflies fluttered in her stomach. She took a moment to gather herself before she set out. When she opened the door to the small establishment her eyes found Zabini immediately. He looked just as forceful as ever as his eyes cruised over the menu. Hermione would have been lying if she told herself that he wasn't attractive, because he was. The beautiful dark skin covered exquisite bone structure and the dark eyes were alert and intelligent. As if he sensed her watching he looked up and held her eyes. She swallowed her nerves and made her way over to the table to take a seat.

"Zabini," she said quietly.

"Granger." There was a slight question in his voice, but for the moment he didn't push. The waitress appeared to take their orders and they waited in silence for their drinks. Once they were settled, Hermione with water and lemon and Blaise with a glass of wine, he spoke again. "Why did you want to meet with me Granger?"

She shook her head. "You know perfectly well why I wanted to speak to you. What you did for me, I'll never be able to repay you for that."

"There's no need to thank me," he told her a bit stiffly.

"But there is! You didn't have to save me, you didn't have to…" she trailed off, not wanting to finish.

He shrugged. "You can say it; I didn't have to kill my best friend to save you."

To soothe her throat and her nerves she took a drink of her water. "Yes, you're right. I guess what I want to know is why."

"We were on the same side, you and I. I couldn't very well let you die, no matter who was after you." For the first time in their conversation emotion crept into his voice.

Hermione allowed herself a moment to study him and learned that his eyes couldn't lie. "You really cared for him didn't you?"

Blaise's first reaction was to go on the defensive at the question, but he forced himself to relax and considered the answer. "He was my best friend, but he was also a victim of his upbringing. Not all of us were able to overcome the ingrained prejudices to see the right side of things. Draco carried on the family name and tradition, he didn't know any better."

"I'm sorry, so sorry that it came down to me or him." She broke off as the waitress appeared with their lunches. "I'm sorry that you killed him because of me."

He shook his head. "I told you that you needn't be sorry. If it hadn't been you it would have been someone else. We were two different people, and either way we would have come up against each other. He was my best friend, but our paths took us different places."

She picked at her salad. "Still, I can't help the way I feel, and I feel horrible."

Blaise sighed. "Look at it this way Granger, would you rather be dead now?"

"No but…"

He cut her off. "Okay, did you think Draco deserved to die?"

"After what he'd done I don't see any other…"

He cut her off again. "That's a yes, complicated but an affirmative answer none the less. If you're alive and he deserved to die why should it make a difference that is was me who killed him?"

Tears sprang unbidden and unwanted to her eyes. "Because you loved him."

For a moment he could only sit there stunned. He felt slightly shell shocked but finally nodded. "Yes, I love him in my own way. He may have been a bastard but he was the best friend I ever had. When he wasn't raving about muggle-borns and the Dark Lord he could be very funny, even compassionate. Nobody ever saw that side of him other than me."

She nodded and said nothing. She knew the pain of losing your best friend, the little piece of your soul that went missing when you realized you would never see them again. She could only be grateful that she still had Harry. Without him she wasn't sure how she could have gone on, and she imagined that for some time Blaise must have felt the same way. "I know it may not seem so, but I know how you feel. Losing Ron… well I'll never quite be the same."

"Yes, you're right. You're never really the same, but you can move on, and that's what I've been doing."

Hermione looked down at their plates with a frown. "It seems we've both lost our appetites."

"That doesn't surprise me, considering the circumstances."

"You're right. I should probably go anyway; we're expected at the Burrow later for dinner and Molly seems to want us there earlier and earlier every time; wedding plans, you know for Ginny and Dean. Thank you for meeting with me." She stood and seemed to consider him for a moment before she spoke again. "I'd like to see you again."

He inclined his head slightly and searched her face. "Why?" he questioned.

"Honestly? I don't know."

The candor both impressed and surprised him and though warning bells went off in his head, he nodded. "Okay."

She nodded, feeling slightly amazed that he had said yes. "I'll owl you."

When she returned to the apartment she was accosted by a frazzled Ginny. "Thank God you're here, I was afraid you weren't going to make it in time to go to the Burrow with us. My mother owled, she wants to talk about the dress! We're not getting married for a year and she wants to talk about the dress! You've got to run interference!"

Hermione fought back a grin. "Calm down Gin, she's just excited. We'll go, we'll let her talk about the dress a little then I'll steer the conversation in another direction."

The redhead nodded and took a couple of cleansing breaths. "Okay, okay, you're right. It'll be fine."

"Yes it will be. Now Ginny?"

"Yeah?"

The grin she'd been holding back came on full force. "Don't you think you're going to want to wear something more than jeans and your bra to go to your mother's?"

The younger girl's eyes widened and she looked down to realize that she had completely forgotten her top. With a little yelp she rushed back to her and Hermione's room, shouting thanks over her shoulder. Laughing to herself Hermione went into the kitchen in search of a drink. She walked in and found Harry sitting at the table with the Daily Prophet spread out in front of him and a frown on his face.

"Damn it," he muttered. "Damn it all to hell."

"What's going on?" Hermione asked. She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water before turning back towards him. "Bad article?"

He yanked his glasses off and massaged the bridge of his nose. "The worst in a while."

"What this time?"

He passed her the paper. "Third page."

She opened the Prophet to page three to find a full color picture of Harry and Tonks embracing along with the headline 'Harry Potter Steals the Heart of Former Hogwarts Professor's Wife'. Her mouth dropped open. "You and Tonks? Where do they get this rubbish?"

"They get it wherever they can find it, and some days they follow me everywhere so it isn't that hard to get. I saw Tonks yesterday just outside the Ministry and she shared some good news. We hugged and now all of the sudden I'm a home wrecker."

Hermione couldn't suppress a giggle. "I think that's the first time I've ever heard that term associated with a man."

Harry tried to look disapproving but couldn't quite manage and a smile broke through. He put his glasses back on with a sigh. "I know, it's ridiculous, but people will believe it. That's the horrible part about it."

She sat down at the table. "If you're worried about Remus…"

"I'm not worried about Remus. He's like a father to me, and Tonks is more and more becoming like a mother, and he knows that this is utter crap. I just worry that other people will believe it and won't let them alone."

"It'll be fine Harry. They'll find some other news in a few days and won't give this a second thought."

"I hope you're right." Glancing at the clock, he stood. "We'd better get going if we want to make it to the Burrow on time. The last thing Ginny and Dean need is Molly on their case for something else, he said a bit fondly.

Hermione rose as well. "You're right. It's bad enough I've got to distract a woman from choosing her only daughter's wedding dress, we needn't add a lecture on punctuality to the heap."

When the four of them arrived at the Burrow it was to a full house. Fred and George were demonstrating some of their new products for Bill and Charlie in the yard and Remus and Tonks were chatting with Arthur at the table. As Dean slipped quietly away from the wedding plans and Hermione and Ginny worked to head Molly off at the pass on the dress issue, Harry moved to sit at the table.

"Arthur," he acknowledged with a nod as he sat. He turned his attention to Remus and Tonks. "Look, I'm sorry that you two got shoved into the spotlight with me. It's bad enough they won't leave me alone but dragging my friends into it…" he trailed off and ran his hand almost violently through his hair. "It's completely uncalled for."

Lupin shook his head. "It's fine Harry, we all know the entire thing is a complete fabrication anyway."

Tonks gave a little wave as Arthur got up to try and rescue Ginny from her mother. "It really is fine Harry. But speaking of that picture, we decided we're going to tell everyone our good news tonight at dinner."

He grinned. "That's wonderful. Everyone's going to be so excited."

"We know," Remus told him, paling a bit.

"It'll be fine," Harry reassured his friend. He heard George calling his name and with apologies excused himself to see the latest of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. It wasn't long before he was sucked into the fun of it all, and he was engrossed in the most recent trick until Molly called them all in for dinner.

When they were all settled around the table and everyone's plates were full Remus cleared his throat. "Tonks and I have an announcement to make. We're, well that's to say…"

"We're having a baby," Tonks told them excitedly.

There was a moment of stunned silence before everyone began cheering and talking at once. "It's wonderful, just wonderful," Molly sobbed, wiping away tears.

"You sure it's not Harry's baby Remus?" Fred asked with a wink. "The Prophet is bound to think it is."

Remus laughed and Ginny tossed a roll that hit her brother square between the eyes. "Don't be an ass."

Harry cleared his throat and held up his glass. "Let's have a toast; to Remus and Nymph..." He trailed off with a grin when Tonks stuck her tongue out at him. "To Remus and Tonks."

"To Remus and Tonks," everyone chorused.

As excited chatter began again Hermione regarded Harry from across the table. So that had been the news that had started the Prophet on this particular tear. She couldn't help but think it was a shame that the paper had managed to turn such happy news into some sort of scandal. But no amount of media attention could take away the happy look on Harry's face, and that certainly meant something. But sitting there, thinking about the article, Hermione couldn't stop herself wondering why more pictures like that didn't show up in the papers. Surely Harry had plenty of women after him, but he was never seen with any. Come to think of it, Harry hadn't been on a date since the end of the war. How peculiar, she thought, that that should be the case. As the usual din of the Weasley abode continued around her, she sat and wondered.


	5. The Importance of Happiness

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters

When they returned home that night Harry's conspicuous lack of a love life was still on Hermione's mind. As she and Ginny puttered around in their room preparing for bed she broached the subject.

"Ginny?"

"Yeah?" Her answered was muffled slightly since she had turned herself partially upside down to brush out all of her hair.

She pulled her pajama top on. "Have you noticed that Harry doesn't really date?"

Ginny flipped her hair back over and regarded her friend a bit curiously. "Yes, haven't you?"

"Not until today." She turned to pull her covers down. "I wonder why that is," she mused.

Gin rolled her eyes, grateful that her friend's back was turned. "He doesn't want to."

"But why not? There are so many women after him and there's got to be a good one in there somewhere."

"I guess he's holding out for the right one," she said pointedly.

Hermione didn't notice the change in tone. "I guess," she said as she climbed into bed. "Night Gin."

She sighed. "Night Hermione."

Over a month later Hermione still hadn't found time to owl Blaise for another meeting. Her healer training had gotten hectic and she'd all but forgotten what she'd told him. Harry was grateful she'd backed off, but he knew it was only a matter of time until she thought of it again.

Unfortunately the press hadn't backed off any. Once word of Tonks' pregnancy had gotten out people had immediately begun to speculate that the baby was Harry's; no matter what they told the press the rumors persisted. On top of that, he still felt completely useless at his training where the instructors continued to favor him and other trainees asked ceaseless questions. Everything piled together until he was a seething mass of frustration and Ginny and Dean began to suggest that he find something to punch. Rather than taking their advice he pulled the irritation inward and tried to present a positive front so as not to worry anyone, specifically Molly and Hermione. His only vent was his weekly coffee meeting at Grimmauld place. There Remus allowed him to speak freely of his concerns and anger without judgement.

Unfortunately, the day came when proverbial other shoe dropped. One gloomy Monday morning Harry emerged from his room to find Hermione sending off an owl.

"Something up?" he asked casually.

She shook her head. "Just setting up another meeting with Zabini."

Harry felt as if someone had stabbed him in the gut. "More to talk about?"

"I think so; I just felt like I really understood him, you know?"

"Yeah." He though that his breath was surely hitching with that knife twisting deeper. Feeling downtrodden he headed for training and tried to keep his mind off of it. Unfortunately that proved quite impossible. The thought of her meeting Zabini again kept invading his mind throughout the day, and when he returned home that night a grim faced Dean told him Hermione had arranged for another meeting that Friday.

"Should we say something Harry?" he asked.

"What good would it do? He's not hurting her, they're just talking. What may or may not happen is pretty much irrelevant at this point."

Dean nodded. "You're right, but I'm with Ginny; I really don't like it."

"Neither do I," he said quietly. "Neither do I."

That Friday, still blissfully unaware of her friends concerns Hermione met Blaise at a restaurant in London when they sat he laced his fingers together, leaned back and regarded her curiously. "So, what are we doing here?"

She flushed slightly. "Talking I suppose."

He smiled briefly, a smile that was entirely too charming. "What are we talking about?"

"Anything, like where you were after the war."

"I was all over the place. I spent some time in Ireland, went to Paris and Greece. I was even in New York for a few days. An old friend talked me into seeing a Broadway show I detested. I went where I wanted and did what I wanted until I started to miss home. Then I came back to London and here we are."

Hermione smiled. "And what will you do now that you're back?"

He frowned. "That question has been plaguing me since I returned. I really don't know, be a grown up I suppose."

"And what exactly does that entail?" she asked, laughing.

"I don't know," he responded. "Although I'm told it would most likely involve getting a job. And now it's my turn; what are you doing with your life?"

She shook her head. "I thought everyone knew what I was doing. I'm studying to be a healer. I live with Harry, Ginny and Dean. That's about it."

"And you lost Ron in the war." It was a statement rather than a question.

"Yes," she said with pain raw in her voice.

Blaise saw the hurt in her eyes, recognized it. "You still miss him."

Hermione nodded. "Every day, just as I imagine you miss Draco."

"Yes." He paused for a moment to consider his next question. "Why are you here Hermione? We never associated in school, why the curiosity now?"

She noticed his use of her first name, glossed over it comfortably. "We're connected. What you did for me links us, and besides, I find you interesting."

The corners of his mouth turned up. "Are you always so candid?"

"So I'm told."

He leaned back in his chair. "I find it refreshing."

It was her turn to smile. "Good to know."

They stayed there talking for hours and it was pushing one a.m. by the time Hermione made it home. She and Blaise had made arrangements to meet again the next week. They enjoyed each other's company and she found herself drawn to him by more than just his dark good looks. She shut the door quietly so she didn't wake anyone up but when she passed the kitchen she saw that someone already was up.

Harry was sitting at the kitchen table in his pajamas and while he was still unaware of her presence she took the opportunity to study him. The hair was the same messy mass of black that nothing would tame and the eyes the same stunning emerald green, but there was something different about him; something that wasn't a physical change, though he was much taller now after finally topping out at six feet. He looked almost worn, like all of the horrible things he'd seen and dealt with were still carried on his shoulders. Maybe it was just that he'd grown up too fast, he'd had no choice. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but he looked sad.

Before she could think any further on it he turned and when he saw her offered a half hearted smile. "Hey, you're back late."

"Yeah, and you're up late. What's going on?" she asked as she slid into the chair across from him.

He shook his head. "Just couldn't sleep."

"Are you having nightmares again?" she asked, her voice filled with concern.

"No, not nightmares," he told her. No one could really call them nightmares, but the dreams of Hermione standing in front of a priest in a white gown taking Blaise Zabini as her husband were as good as nightmares to him. "Just can't nod off. Don't worry."

His system jolted when she laid her hand over his but he'd learned some time before to mask his reaction to her. Her eyes met his straight on. "Are you sure?"

Harry took a deep breath and lied right to her face. "I'm sure, everything's fine. I'm just going to have some warm milk or something and then go to bed."

She smiled. "Okay, goodnight Harry."

She was up and gone in an instant but Harry knew he wouldn't sleep that night. He sat at the kitchen table until dawn unable to feel anything but the ever widening crack in his heart. When Hermione woke in the morning she noticed he seemed a little tired but assumed it was because he was sleeping fitfully. Ginny and Dean noticed the circles under his eyes and figured they knew what had put them there, but they couldn't very well say anything about it. Even after Hermione left to visit her parents they didn't have the chance to talk to Harry; as soon as the hour was decent enough he headed for Grimmauld Place.

When he walked into the kitchen it was to what looked like an explosion. There was food covering virtually every surface and in the middle of it was Tonks. At five months pregnant she was showing slightly and she made quite a picture standing in the kitchen covered in what looked to be mashed potatoes, hands protectively on her belly. She heard Harry come in and when she turned he saw the tears in her eyes.

"Oh Tonks, its okay," he told her.

She shook her head. "It really isn't. I blew it up, I blew lunch up. How am I supposed to take care of a baby if I can't even make lunch without this…?" she questioned, gesturing wildly around the room. She hung her head and brought her hands up but could only cry harder when she just managed to cover her face in gravy

Harry hurried over to her and took her in his arms. "Tonks you're going to be a wonderful mother. Just because you can't cook doesn't mean you'll be bad at parenting," he assured her.

"But how am I supposed to feed a baby?" she sobbed against his shoulder.

"You'll figure it out." He heard the front door shut and when Remus came in he shot him a look that was half way to desperation. "Here, here's Remus." He passed Tonks over to her husband and set about cleaning up the kitchen for her.

By the time she had calmed down everything was sparkling again. Remus pulled back and brushed tears from her face. "There you go, everything's fine."

She nodded. "I think I'm going to go and lie down," she told them. "Thanks Harry." She took her leave muttering under her breath about stupid hormones.

Harry looked over at his former professor and sighed. "Well, I came over here to bitch, but I think my issues pale in comparison."

Remus laughed. "I doubt that, but her moods have been rather out of control lately." They took a seat at the table and he looked Harry over thoroughly. "You aren't sleeping. Nightmares?"

"Not nightmares per se, but enough to make me wish I didn't have to sleep. Every time I manage to get to sleep I have these dreams that Hermione's marrying Zabini. They're driving me crazy!"

"Harry you can't keep going on this way, you've got to say something to her."

He rubbed his hands across his face. "How can I? She's happy and he isn't doing anything to her to put her in danger. He isn't hurting her."

"But you're hurting yourself Harry."

"Haven't we had this conversation about me and self-sacrifice?" he asked, feebly trying for humor.

Lupin frowned. "Harry I've said it before but I'm going to tell you again, you'll never know unless you say something. You'll drive yourself crazy this way."

"I just can't Remus. She's happy, and that's what matters."

"Your happiness matters too Harry, try to keep that in mind."


	6. Dying Inside

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters

Days dragged into weeks, dragged into months, and Hermione saw Blaise first once a week, then twice. The more time she spent around the former Slytherin the worse Harry looked. He was hardly sleeping, food wasn't a pleasure anymore and he ate only because it was a necessity. Hermione worried, but accepted his excuse that his training was hard and he was still having trouble sleeping. He refused sleeping potions; he couldn't get Hermione's potential happy future with another man out of his head.

One particular Saturday afternoon Hermione went out with Blaise and Ginny and Dean spent the afternoon in the nearby park. They returned laughing at the latest story from Dean's office in the ministry, heading for the kitchen for a snack. They both stopped abruptly in the doorway when they saw that Harry was fast asleep at the table, his head resting on the Daily Prophet. With a sigh Ginny went over and took his glasses off carefully and set them down on the table. She brushed a hand over his hair and she and Dean slipped out into the living room. She turned into his arms and rested her head against his shoulder.

"I loved him once, with everything I had, not the way I love you, but in my own juvenile way."

"I know, and I know that part of you will always love him."

She nodded. "Part of me will; more than that, he's my friend and it breaks my heart to see him this way."

"I wish there was something we could do."

Ginny pulled away from him, and when he looked in her eyes he saw fire. "There is something we can do, or at least something I can do. I'm talking to Hermione."

He looked down at her. "Gin, are you sure?"

"I'm positive. I'm talking to her as soon as she gets home."

Hours later Harry woke with the paper stuck to his face. Though he'd slept for some time he was still exhausted. With a shake of his head he decided he would risk the dreams. He stumbled into his bedroom and crashed face down on the bed. He was still asleep when Hermione came home and he would sleep long after.

Ginny was sitting in bad with a book when Hermione practically waltzed in. "You look happy," she remarked, though she couldn't keep the frown from her face.

The older girl executed a quick turn. "I am happy. He kissed me, Blaise kissed me and… well wow."

"Hermione I've got to talk to you."

"Yeah, sure."

Ginny pushed herself up and sat on the edge of her bed. "I don't like the way you've been acting lately."

She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face her friend. "What do you mean?"

"Can't you see it? You used to act so smart and independent. You always cared about what everyone was doing and how they felt. Time was you could read Harry like a book, and now he's dying inside and you barely notice!"

Hermione shook her head. "He's told me, it's his training, he can't sleep."

"Please Hermione; you can't actually believe all of that!"

"It's what he tells me," she said, clearly in denial.

Ginny stood and began to pace the length of the room. "He's got so much on his shoulders. He blames himself for Ron's death and for Luna and all the others. He blames himself for Sirius. The people training him barely allow him to do anything because they think he already knows it all and his life is splashed all over the papers, hurting him and all of the people he loves. He takes that on his shoulders as well. Then there's…" she cut herself off.

"What?" Hermione asked, sitting down to calm her now shaking nerves.

She shook her head firmly. "No, it's not my place to say anything; but you would have noticed all of these things Hermione, if you weren't so wrapped up in this hero worship for Blaise Zabini."

Hermione stood again, her eyes flashing. "You haven't got any right Ginny. I spend time with Blaise because I enjoy his company, and he enjoys mine. If Harry doesn't tell me anything there's nothing I can do," she said a bit desperately.

Gin was halfway to the door by that time and she turned with a sad look in her eyes. "There was a time, not too long ago, when he didn't have to say anything to you." She brushed a frustrated hand through her hair. "I'm going to go sleep on the couch."

"Ginny…"

She shook her head. "Think about it Hermione."

The next morning Hermione was still puzzled and upset over what Ginny had told her. She couldn't help but wonder if her friend was right. Had she let herself be overwhelmed by her feelings; had she changed so much that she'd started to neglect her friends? She didn't see it, but did her friends? She was tortuously examining the situation over her breakfast when an owl tapped at the window. With a sigh she got up and opened the window. Mechanically she gave the owl some scraps and pulled the letter off. It was from Blaise, wanting to take her to a play. For a moment an internal debate raged. If she went was she just proving Ginny right? But Harry wasn't up to talk to anyway. She made her decision and fifteen minutes later she was out the door, having left a note for the others.

When Ginny rose to make some breakfast half an hour later she found nothing but a piece of paper on the table. She picked it up and read it aloud, "Went to a play with Blaise, talk to everyone later. Hermione." Her hand trembling with anger, she crumpled the paper in her hand. "Damn it!" She whirled and threw it with surprising strength and gasped when it hit Dean square in the chest. "Oh I'm sorry," she moaned, collapsing into a chair, her head hanging. "I don't know what came over me."

He opened the wrinkled paper and read it. "I think I know exactly what came over you. I take it talking to her didn't help then?" he asked, sitting across from her.

"Clearly, she's just so…. I don't know, besotted!"

Dean reached over and took her hand in his, running his thumb soothingly across her skin. "You tried Ginny, at least there's that. If she can't see what's right in front of her then there's not much you can do."

"I know, I know." She raised her head and her eyes shone with unshed tears. "She's killing him Dean, and she doesn't even know it."

Later that afternoon Ginny sat pouting in front of the television while Dean avidly watched a football match. She was seriously considering commandeering the remote when Harry rushed in clutching a letter. "Is everything okay?" she asked.

He looked torn. "It's Tonks, she's having the baby."

Ginny and Dean were both off the couch by the end of the announcement. "It's early," he said worriedly.

Harry nodded. "Yeah, but not too early, only a couple of weeks; Lupin's note says she's doing well so far, but he'd like some support. I'm headed to St. Mungos."

"We'll come too," Ginny told him.

He nodded. "Good, that's good; tell your parents." His eyes darkened slightly. "And try to get word to Hermione. I'm not sure if you can but an owl should be able to find her or Zabini."

Ginny and Dean nodded in tandem and within minutes she had spoken to her family through the fire and the owl had been sent. Only minutes after they'd heard the news they were standing outside the Lupins' hospital room with the rest of the Weasley family and Tonks' parents. Remus stood before them giving them an update.

"She's doing fine so far, even if it is a bit earlier than we were expecting," he said with a nervous smile. "We'd already been here some time when I thought to send the owl. She decided she wanted to do this the muggle way months ago and she'd progressed too far to turn back now, so it may be a while."

"We'll wait," Harry told him. "We all want to be here for both of you."

Remus nodded and excused himself to return to the hospital room. Outside everyone mingled and spoke excitedly while Molly Weasley questioned Harry about the bags under his eyes and his too large clothing. He fended her off as best she could and could have kissed Arthur when he distracted his wife with some story and had Molly moving to speak to the Tonks. Dean and Ginny sat on the floor keeping Charlie's kids occupied while Harry fought to keep his eyes open.

"Am I too late?"

Harry sat bolt upright when he heard Hermione's voice. "No, you're not too late." He motioned around him. "We're all still waiting."

"Oh, good." She turned around to speak to someone and it was then that everyone saw Blaise.

He gave a small wave. "Hello, I don't mean to intrude."

"No intrusion at all," Molly told him. "A friend of Hermione's is a friend of ours."

They walked further into the crowd and Blaise sought out Harry. His eyes found him as Harry watched Hermione make her way over to Fred and George and he stopped in his tracks. "I'll be damned," he whispered to himself.

"Blaise?" Hermione questioned.

"Sorry." He shook himself out of it and followed her over to the twins. He'd expected that Harry may not be incredibly happy to see him there, but he hadn't been prepared for the raw pain he'd seen in the other man's eyes. He was so clearly in love with her it was a wonder he didn't rip his own hair out when he saw Hermione with another man. Shaking his head he excused himself from the conversation and crossed the room to sit down cautiously next to Harry. "You must hate me," he said.

Harry regarded him warily. "I don't hate you Zabini."

Blaise's dark eyes widened marginally. "I certainly wouldn't blame you for it; I think I'd hate me if I were you."

"What exactly are you getting at?"

"I could tell from across the room you're in love with her," he said quietly. "I don't think I've ever seen that kind of anguish in someone's eyes." Harry shook his head but Blaise soldiered on. "There's no use in denying it Potter, it's easy enough to see; but she doesn't know. Why is that?"

Harry's eyes narrowed. "Why would I discuss this with you?"

"I'm not sure Potter, but if I had known how you feel I never would…"

He raised his hand to cut him off. "It's a non-issue Blaise. She sees me as a friend, that's all."

"Don't be so sure."

"I may not be sure about a lot of things but I'm sure about this." He shook his head. "She seems to be happy with you, and that's all that matters to me."

"Potter…"

Harry stood. "Just leave it Zabini." He turned back. "But if you hurt her you'll have me to deal with, just keep that in mind." As Harry walked off Blaise sat back and took a deep breath. He had a lot to think about.

Over two hours passed before the news they had all been waiting for. After ten hours of labor, Tonks had finally given birth. Remus emerged looking exhausted but ecstatic. "It's a girl, a perfect little girl."

A cheer rose up loud enough that a nurse shushed them and Harry looked around to see that all of the women scattered around were crying. Arthur and Ted were tearing up and the Weasley boys were passing around cigars. Harry worked through the crowd and stood next to Remus. "Congratulations there Dad," he told him with a grin.

Lupin shook his head looking amazed. "I can hardly believe it. She's so perfect Harry…" He brushed the tears from his eyes.

"I can't wait to see her."

"Well you can see her right now, there's something we want to ask you anyway."

They slipped away into the room and Harry smiled when he took in the scene. Tonks was sitting up in the bed with a little purple wrapped bundle in her arms. Her hair was vividly pink and though he knew it was clichéd, Harry couldn't help but think that she looked absolutely radiant. "Hey, how are you feeling?" he asked.

She grinned. "I'm tired, but I feel fantastic! I can't even describe how amazing it is to finally have her."

He stood a bit awkwardly by the bed. "Have you chosen a name yet?"

Lupin sat at the edge of the bed and kissed his wife's forehead. "Cassiopeia, we thought it was fitting."

"It's beautiful." He looked down at the baby with her big blue eyes and thatch of dark hair and smiled. "She's beautiful."

Tonks brushed a finger down her daughter's cheek. "She really is. Harry we hoped you would be her Godfather."

"Me?" He swallowed hard. "Are you sure?"

Remus nodded. "We can't think of anyone better for the job."

His grinned widely and for the first time in months his eyes lit up like Christmas. "I'd love to."

Lupin walked over and clapped him on the back. "Good, we were hoping that's how you would feel."

"Do you want to hold her?" Tonks asked.

Harry felt his palms go damp but he nodded. Remus kissed the baby when Tonks handed her to him then passed her over. Harry took her and cradled her carefully. "God, she's so tiny," he said, his voice full of wonder. He rocked her gently as he spoke. "Hey there Cassiopeia, we've all been waiting for you."

A few minutes later a nurse shooed Harry off to let Tonks rest. When he had gone the couple sat together on the bed and looked down at their brand new little girl. They were both exhausted, but they were so filled with love that they barely felt it. Tonks thought back to the look in Harry's eyes when he'd held the baby and sighed.

"He looked happy today, for the first time in so long."

Remus nodded. "I know. I wish he could be happy all of the time."

She reached up and brushed his cheek. "I do too, but he won't be better until he does something for himself."

"I know, I just wish I knew what to do for him."


	7. The Pain

Author's Note: I'm sure there will be some people who are unsure of the relationship I present between Remus and Harry, especially in this chapter. But it's important for me to let you know that I've always believed that had they been given more of a chance this is the type of relationship that would have formed between the two of them.

Blaise had suffered many sleepless nights in his relatively short life, many of them in the months after the war. This particular sleepless night he had the savior of the wizarding world on his mind. The man was so in love with Hermione that it verged on being heartbreaking. There was a selflessness in Potter that Blaise never guessed the man possessed. The fact that he was willing to see Hermione with another man rather than even risk her unhappiness was astounding.

With a sigh Blaise rolled onto his back and threw the sheets off. He was happy with Hermione; with whatever it was that they had. But he had doubts that there wasn't something there for her with Harry. The connection between the pair was deep and abiding and he was sure that there were feelings other than friendship in the mix for Hermione. He shook his head. Clearly sleep wasn't going to happen that night. He rose and pulled on a pair of jeans; left them unbuttoned and padded out to see if he could get something done.

Not such a great distance away, Harry tossed and turned much as Blaise had been doing minutes before. Neither man had any idea that they considered the same issue. Since the day they'd spoken at St. Mungo's Harry's health had gone even more rapidly downhill. He still wasn't sleeping, he barely ate, and he was emotionally unstable at best. His visits to the Lupin house were the only bright spots. His friends and family grew more and more concerned every day. He knew he was on a dangerous path but he couldn't see the way to stop the pull of it. With a sigh he rose, careful not to wake Dean and headed for the kitchen, his sanctuary for sleepless nights. He went rummaging for something in the fridge and didn't hear Ginny approach.

Her heart clenched as she looked him over. Clad in nothing but a pair of pajama pants the evidence of his unhealthiness and unhappiness was undeniable. He was skin and bones, all angles and sharp edges, and his skin had taken on a sickly pallor. Though she couldn't see his face she knew there were dark circles under the eyes; eyes that had lost their shine. "You've got to get out of here Harry."

He turned to her in surprise. "What?

Dean came up behind her. "She's right Harry." Ginny looked up at her fiancé, slightly confused. "Heard you get up. Anyway, Harry you should listen to her."

Harry shook his head. "I can't just leave."

Ginny stepped forward and took hold of his hands. "You have to. Can't you see? This is going to kill you, Harry. You hardly here at all as it is; how long before we lose you all together?"

The tears in her eyes drove the point home. "Ginny…"

"She's right Harry. You're so unhappy and you're not healthy; you haven't been for a long time."

"You won't tell her how you feel, I can respect that decision; but you can't keep living ten feet from her. You can't keep watching her leave to go with him and having your heart break every time she does."

Harry took a shuddering breath before he nodded. "You're right. Without some kind of distance I'll never be able to make it past the hurt."

Dean nodded. "It's best if you just get away for a while."

"I know. I want to thank both of you for… well for everything. I'll start looking for a place in the morning." He pulled Ginny into his arms and for a moment they embraced fiercely. They pulled apart and he brushed a kiss against her forehead. "I'll miss you. Both of you." He clapped Dean on the back and then he was gone.

Within seconds of their friend's departure Ginny lost control of the tears she'd been holding back so ruthlessly. She went to Dean's and he held her as she wept for their friend and the tragedy his love and Hermione's neglect had wrought.

That morning Harry went to see Remus and Tonks to tell them of his plans. He sat with the baby on his lap and explained what he wanted to do. When he fell silent Remus and Tonks shared a look then nodded.

"You'll stay here," she said firmly.

Harry shook his head. "I don't want to impose on your new family that way."

"You're just as much a part of our family Harry." Remus took a cleansing breath before he continued. "You know I would never try to replace your mum and dad; I love them too much for that. But you also know how I feel about you, and you know that in my heart you're just as much mine as Cassiopeia is."

Harry nodded and knew that the emotions in Remus' eyes and voice matched his own. "I do know, and you know I feel the same way."

"Then you'll stay here," Tonks said, impatiently brushing away tears. "At least until you find a place of your own."

He nodded. "I'll stay here. I'll pack everything and be out of the apartment by tonight. Thank you guys."

"Don't worry about it Harry. There's more than enough room and we're always happy to have you."

"Thanks." He bounced his goddaughter on his knee and smiled down at her. "So what do you think little sister? Are you going to enjoy living with me?"

Cassiopeia giggled and smiled up into his face, and that was answer enough as far as he was concerned.

Hermione walked into the apartment that night with a spring in her step. She was in a fabulous mood, and didn't think that anything could bring her down. She was about to be proven wrong. She want bouncing past Harry and Dean's room, glanced in and felt her happiness crash down around her. She walked into the room and looked around at the nearly full trunk and suitcases and felt something strangely reminiscent of terror grip her.

"Harry what's going on?"

He turned to face her and felt a stab of pain at the emotions he'd put on her face. "I'm leaving Hermione." He returned to haphazardly continue packing his things.

"Leaving, why?"

"It's complicated, it doesn't matter. I've just got to go." I'm staying with Tonks and Lupin until I find something of my own."

She shook her head. "You can't go Harry."

When he turned back she saw a hardness in his eyes that hadn't been present since the war. "I can and I am Hermione."

"Harry please." She stepped forward and fought to ignore that resulting ache when he moved away. "This all seems so sudden.

He shook his head and smiled sadly. "This has been coming for a while Hermione. "He tossed the last t-shirt into his trunk and snapped it shut. "You just didn't notice."

"Harry…"

"It's not as if I'm moving to Mongolia Hermione. We'll still see each other; I just can't be here anymore." He levitated his things and headed for the door.

"But why Harry?" she asked, hating the edge of desperation her voice had taken on.

He stopped at the door and turned back. "It's better if you don't know. Bye Hermione."

Then he was gone and Hermione could only stand shell shocked as she heard the front door close.

That night Harry was settled in one of the many open rooms at Grimmauld Place. It didn't take very long to unpack his things. He'd always lived relatively light. When he was finished he sat on the bed and took a deep breath. The surroundings were so familiar but everything felt different. As he breathed it all in, he felt some measure of tension drain from him. The pain was still there and still raw as it had been when he had walked out of the apartment earlier that day. But getting away, knowing he wouldn't run into her as she rushed out the door to meet Zabini, soothed away some of the hurt. He was sitting there with his eyes closed when Remus came in, the baby in his arms.

"How are you Harry?"

The green eyes that had yet to regain their brightness opened slowly. "I'm okay. I still hurt, but I think I'll always hurt. Distance helps though." He reached his arms out and Remus passed over the baby. He cradled her in his arms and brushed a finger absently down her cheek. "I want too much Remus. I want a life and a family, and I can't have it. The pain of that…" he broke off, shaking his head. "It's too much."

The older man sat on the edge of the bed and nodded. "I understand Harry, but it will get better. Maybe you can't have that with Hermione, but one day a long while down the road, you'll find someone. You'll never really stop loving her, but you can learn to love someone else."

"I know, but at the moment everything is just a little too close." He hugged Cassiopeia to his chest gently then passed her to her father. "I'm going to go to bed. Maybe I'll actually get some sleep tonight."

Blaise was half asleep when he heard the frantic knocking on his door. His head slipped from its position leaning on his hand and he looked around a bit confused for a moment. He was sitting at the kitchen table and the knocking still continued. With a frustrated expulsion of breath he stood and stalked towards the door. When he got there he threw the door open and spoke without knowing who was there. "What?!"

Hermione's eyes were wide. "Harry moved out."

Blaise cursed and rubbed a hand over his face. "Damn it Hermione, I'm sorry. Come in."

She stepped past him and walked dazedly into the room, dropping down onto the couch. "I just… he moved out."

"Okay, so he moved out. Did he say why?"

"He just said he had to go."

He shook his head. So Potter still hadn't told her, and neither had her other friends. "Hermione…"

She was up and pacing around the room. "I just don't understand. Harry used to tell me everything, and I know I've been distracted lately but I didn't think… I mean I would have noticed if something was going on!"

"Hermione," he tried again.

"He said it had been coming for a long time but I didn't realize… He's just gone and I don't know what to do!"

"Hermione!"

She came to a stunned stop. "Yes?"

"Hermione, you really can't think of any reason that Harry would leave?"

"No."

"Weasley and Thomas didn't say anything?"

Hermione shook her head. "No, well Ginny did talk to me a while ago but she didn't say anything that would have hinted at Harry leaving!"

He cursed silently. "I suspect they didn't say anything because they're Harry's friends and they figured it wasn't their secret to tell. Since I can't make the same claim I'm just going to come out and tell you. He's in love with you Hermione."

Her eyes were huge and for a moment she was absolutely speechless. "Harry is…?"

"In love with you." She went pale as a sheet and he caught her bare inches from hitting the floor as her knees gave out from under her.


	8. Difficult Decisions

Author's Note: Yes, I know I fail. I haven't updated in so long and I completely fail; but I'm updating now and I certainly hope it was worth the wait. I decided it was time for Harry to get mad. As usual I would appreciate if you let me know what you think. Danke

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of Harry Potter.

Blaise swore creatively as he caught Hermione in his arms. God damn all of Potter's friends for making him be the one to tell her. Laying her on the couch he settled into a chair across from her to wait for her to wake up.

When Hermione did wake up she was still incredibly over wrought. "Blaise," she said, pushing herself up to sit. "You can't be serious about Harry. He couldn't be in love with me, I… I mean I would have known."

He shook his head. "Hermione, before the war you were an entirely perceptive person as far as I can tell, but afterwards it would seem that your observation skills went completely downhill. I knew the moment I saw him at St. Mungos when Lupin's wife was giving birth. He's so completely in love with you, and it's tearing his heart out to see you with me."

"Why didn't he tell me?" she asked herself more than anything.

Blaise decided to answer the question anyway. "Think about it Hermione, I mean really think about it."

She thought about it, and so hard he thought her eyes may cross at any moment. Then it hit her. "He didn't want to ruin our friendship. Oh my God he's been miserable all this time because of me!" She was up and pacing again. "This is why he's been so unhealthy, so unhappy. It's all because he wanted me to be happy!"

"Hermione it's not entirely your fault. He made the choice not to tell you."

"Don't you see?" she asked. "Of course you don't, you barely know Harry," she answered herself. "Ever since the day you saved me from Malfoy Harry's seen himself as my protector. He couldn't do anything to save me when he saw Draco attacking me. I think he made himself some kind of promise that he'd make sure I'd be safe and happy from then on. If he saw me as happy with you, he would just let it go. God how could I have been so clueless?"

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

She sat down hard on the couch, her breath expelling in one harsh exhale. "I have no idea."

As it would turn out, Hermione wouldn't have to do anything. Everyone had assumed that when Harry finally broke, it would send him down into the depths of depression; that he'd never be able to go back. They were all completely wrong. Harry was about to break, and he was about to get ragingly mad.

The morning after Hermione's startling revelation he was sitting at the table at Grimmauld Place reading the paper, and feeling better than he had in some time. Then he turned the page, saw the picture that took up half the page, and went still as a statue.

"Harry, are you okay?" Remus asked.

Harry slammed his glass down so hard that the bottom shattered. "No, I'm not okay." In an instant he was up on his feet and out of the room.

Tonks and Lupin had never seen Harry this upset. They shared a shaken look. "This cannot be good," Tonks told him.

Lupin reached over to grab the paper, his face falling when he saw the picture. He turned it around so Tonks could see the half page photo of Blaise Zabini laying Hermione down on his couch. The headline read in all caps 'Hermione Granger Giving It Up To Blaise Zabini?' "It's really not good."

Blaise was getting a little tired of people pounding on his door at odd hours of the day and night. Here it was, seven in the morning, when he'd only gotten Hermione home three hours before, and he opened to find Harry Potter standing on his doorstep. "Oh hell, what now?" he asked.

Harry didn't say anything. Rather than speaking, he had Blaise up against the wall in his apartment by the throat before the other man even had a chance to react. He held the paper up for Zabini to see. "Remember that conversation we had about hurting Hermione? I would consider this harmful!"

"Oh shit. Potter…"

Harry removed his arm to let him speak. "This had better be the best explanation in the history of the world Zabini."

Blaise rubbed at his throat as he walked to his couch to sit down. "I have an explanation Potter, but I can guarantee you're not going to like it."

"Try me," he answered, dropping into the chair Blaise had sat in the night before.

He shook his head. "Hermione came over last night. She was absolutely panicked about you moving out and couldn't seem to figure out your reasoning so I…. I told her how you feel about her."

"You told her?" Harry asked; his voice deceptively calm.

"I told her."

It was then that Harry exploded. "What the hell gave you the right to tell her?" he yelled. "God damn it Zabini, I had reasons for not saying anything!"

He nodded. "I know Potter, but the bottom line is that I don't owe you anything. She was upset and hurt and confused."

"Care to explain to me how telling Hermione how I feel about her lands her in the paper under a headline making her out to be some kind of whore?" Harry asked.

Blaise rubbed his hands over his face. "I still can't figure out how they got the picture. I thought I had made sure that nobody could get any pictures in here." He looked over and caught Harry's murderous glare. "I'll worry about that later. Look, I know it looks like I'm seducing her or some other such nonsense but the bottom line is I told her you're in love with her and she passed out."

"She passed out?"

"Yes, she passed out, so I laid her down on the couch until she woke up."

Harry shook his head. "Damn it Zabini."

When Hermione woke a few hours later her mind, quick as it was, wouldn't allow her to forget what she'd been told the night before. The fact that Harry was in love with her was immediately at the forefront. With no idea what to do and fighting back tears she climbed out of bed and headed for the kitchen. When she got there she found Ginny and Dean sitting at the table staring at the newspaper.

"What's going on?" she asked.

Ginny and Dean both looked up startled when they heard Hermione's voice. "Hermione, you need to see this."

She walked over to the table and sat down. They passed the paper over and when she saw the picture she lost hold on the tears she'd been holding back. "God, as if everything else wasn't enough to deal with." Her head dropped to the table.

"Hermione it's bad, but it's nothing you can't deal with," Dean said.

"It's not just that. I've screwed everything up so badly."

Ginny looked at her curiously. "What do you mean?"

Hermione shook her head. "I've been so blind about everything. Blaise told me last night about Harry, how he feels about me. I can't believe I didn't see it. I can't believe I didn't listen." She raised her head to look at Ginny. "You were trying to tell me, and I just didn't listen."

"You're right you didn't listen, and I wish it hadn't come to what it's come to," Ginny told her. "Unfortunately it has, and I don't know what to tell you to do about it."

"I wish you did."

It took Hermione all day to work up the courage to go over to Grimauld Place to talk to Harry. Eventually she got up enough bravery to send Tonks an owl and found out Harry would be there alone that night as she and Lupin and the baby would be at the Weasley house for dinner. Feeling panic pressing in so hard that it took her three tries to be able to concentrate well enough to apparate, she finally made it to the house. Forgoing knocking she let herself in and wasn't surprised to find Harry at the kitchen table.

He had heard her come in, and he looked up somewhat reluctantly when she came in. "Hey Hermione."

Twisting her hands, she tried to find the right words. "Harry…"

"Don't Hermione, please. This isn't somewhere we need to go."

"How can we not go there Harry? How long has this been going on with me being completely oblivious?"

He shook his head. "It's not important."

Hermione surprised herself when she slammed her hands down on the table. "Damn it Harry it is important."

"Since the final battle at Hogwarts," he told her flatly. "I can't help what I feel Hermione, but I can help what I do about it."

"And you just figured I had no say in anything?" she asked, surprised at how angry she was.

Harry felt his own anger that he'd worked all day to tamp down come bubbling to the surface. "I didn't think it would matter Hermione! You were so obsessed with finding Zabini I could see where it was going from the start. I knew you didn't feel the same about me and I'd rather see you happy."

She folded her arms. "So you get to decide what makes me happy?"

"Why the hell are you so angry?" he asked.

"I'm angry because we used to tell each other everything! We used to be able to read each other like books and know what the other was feeling so easily. What happened to us Harry?"

When his bright green eyes met hers she saw sadness there. "You happened to us Hermione."

She took a stumbling step back as if she'd been slapped, and indeed she felt as if she'd been slapped. "I can't believe you would say that to me," she whispered.

"I can't believe I have to say it to you, but it's the truth. From the moment you found out Zabini was on our side he was all you could think about. You stopped noticing or caring about what was going on around you and things slipped. Then you found him and it all only got worse. If you're happy with him Hermione, that's fine, but you can't ignore the fact that you're partially to blame for the change."

Her voice shook as she spoke again. "Harry, I never meant…"

He shook his head. "I know you didn't." He stood and brushed past her. "None of it matters now anyway."

"What do you mean?" she cried as she followed him.

"I'm leaving for a while. I need to be able to clear my head and maybe get back to being whole again, ridiculous as that sounds even to me."

Hermione felt that familiar panic rising up again. "What about your training, your dreams?"

"Training is complete rubbish," Harry told her bluntly. "I'm not enjoying even a second of it, and I'm not even sure anymore if it's what I want to do with the rest of my life." They had reached his room where the suitcases he'd barely unpacked were packed again. He turned to face her. "The bottom line is that I need to be away from here, and as horrible as it is to say it I need to be away from you. I thought moving out of the apartment would be enough but clearly it isn't."

"Where will you go?" she asked quietly.

"Remus has it all arranged. He's got a mate in New York who's more than willing to let me stay with him for a while." He picked up his suitcase. "I've got to go."

Feeling desperate she stepped in front of him. "Please Harry, don't do this. We can figure something out here."

He shook his head. "Maybe you can Hermione, but I can't. Like it or not I'm in love with you, and I thought I could stand to watch you with Zabini as long as you were happy, but I can't do it. I need the distance and I need to be able to get over you somehow, and that won't happen here. I'm leaving."

"Harry…"

"You won't stop me Hermione." He looked down at her and fearing it may be his only chance, he threw caution to the wind. "Hell once can't hurt." He bent and brushed a bare whisper of a kiss against her lips, pulling back in an instant.

In a moment he was gone, and she simply stood there. When Hermione was finally able to release the hold that panic and grief had taken on her and run down the stairs he had already apparated. It was then that it hit her that he was well and truly gone. Her best friend in the entire world was headed off across the ocean to live as far away from her as he could feasibly get. She felt the tears well and fall as it all crashed over her and she sat down hard on the front steps of the house. She found she couldn't seem to stop wondering how she'd let everything get so completely messed up and weeping from the very bottom of her soul.


	9. Letting Go

Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters. Damn

Leaving gave Harry exactly what he needed. He had the space and distance to work through some of his problems, and he began to heal. He couldn't have known that leaving would do exactly the opposite for Hermione. She had been on a downward spiral since the day he left, and Ginny, Blaise and the others watched as she became more withdrawn and depressed.

Since Harry's departure their argument had been playing on a loop in her head. Emotions she hadn't even known to exist had been brought to the surface. She wanted so badly to speak to him, to work it out and make things right; but she knew that it wouldn't be fair to him. Somehow she had come to understand that he needed the distance to figure everything out, and she wouldn't invade on that to try and make herself feel better. Still, she couldn't stop thinking about him, and that kiss he'd given her moments before his departure was permanently seared into her memory. As much as she wanted to hide from it all, in the months since Harry had left she was forced to deal with the horrible reality of being unsure of every decision she'd made since the war.

Ginny could see more than anyone what it was doing to Hermione. For the second time she was faced with a friend hanging on the edge. She watched as Hermione lost weight, lost sleep and seemed to lose hope. She saw less and less of Blaise, and spent the majority of her free time lost in thoughts that seemed to only make things worse. After three months of it, Ginny knew it was time to do something about it.

When Blaise opened his door once again to find a member of Potter's entourage he wanted to bash his head against the wall. "Why do you people keep showing up here?" he asked, frustration dripping from every word.

"Excuse me?" Ginny questioned.

He shook his head. "First it was Potter, and in the past twenty-four hours I've managed to have both you and Nymphadora Tonks show up on my doorstep."

She squeezed by him into the apartment, leaving him no choice. "She's a smart woman, as am I."

"Make yourself at home," he sighed, closing the door and turning to face her.

"You know why I'm here Blaise; same reason I'm guessing Tonks was."

His face softened. "Yeah, I know why you're here." He dropped to the couch, looking exhausted. "I don't know what to do about it any more than you do."

She took a seat across from him. "You really care for her don't you?"

"Yes, I really do. I'd like to think she cares for me too."

"Enough to listen to you, because she doesn't listen to me; it's Harry all over again and she can't seem to find any decent solution."

Blaise shook his head, dark eyes looking somewhat regretful. "If you're asking if she loves me you already know the answer. That honor goes to someone else entirely, though I don't think she knows it. To be fair I don't love her either, at least not that way."

Ginny sighed. "She won't listen to you either then."

"I've tried," he told her. When she realized that she was the cause of so much of Harry's unhappiness…. I don't know it just changed her. She won't do anything to help herself because she doesn't want to hurt him anymore."

"You're right, and I know you are. I just wish there was a way we could make it right."

He fell back against the couch with a soft expulsion of breath. "Welcome to the club."

When Ginny left Blaise couldn't get his mind off of Hermione. She hadn't listened to him so far, but he couldn't just leave her and stand and watch as all of light in her faded to dark. He knew he had to try again, so he took off, ready to head her off at the pass and do anything he could to make her see reason.

When Hermione left her training that night he was waiting for her. "Blaise, what are you doing here?" she asked.

"I wanted to talk, come with me?"

Unsure of her footing, she nodded and they walked together into the little coffee shop across the street. When they were settled Blaise steeled himself for what was to come and dove right in. "Everyone's worried about you Hermione."

"I know, smartest witch of our age remember," she told him with an acrid bite in every word. "Amazing how I see some things and am completely blind to others."

"You have to stop blaming yourself for Potter's choices."

She shook her head. "Harry was right Blaise; I was partly responsible for what happened. I pulled away, I wasn't paying attention to him and I didn't see what I should have."

This wasn't working, and he couldn't see any other way than to just lay it on the line. Reaching out, he took both of her hands in hers. "Hermione, we both know we're not in love with each other."

"God, I know. It feels so horrible, like I've just been stringing you along."

He shook his head. "I've been just as much to blame. I saw it that day you passed out in my apartment, and I didn't do anything. I guess I hoped that we could figure something out, that maybe we would fall in love eventually. It wasn't fair of either of us, so we're quite a pair."

When Hermione spoke again it was past a lump in her throat and tears in her eyes. "You dazzled me. You gave me my life and made me feel so special; I didn't realize it wasn't the real thing. I could have had the real thing and I screwed it up because I was so blind."

"You keep avoiding saying the words Hermione; maybe you need to say them."

She nodded. "You're right. I'm in love with Harry; I think somewhere deep down I always have been. I took it for granted that he would always be there for me and I blew it."

"So tell him. Get on a plane and fly to New York and tell him how you feel. Do you honestly think he's fallen out of love with you? Go."

Hermione shook her head sadly, tears spilling down her cheeks. "It's too late."

Ginny received an owl later that night, and when she opened it she found three simple words that made her heart sink. _I tried- Blaise_. Throwing the paper into the fire, she collapsed onto the couch, completely unsure of what to do next. She felt boxed in, and she hated to do it, but she had tried everything else with no results; so, with a fortifying breath she grabbed a quill and some parchment and started a letter to Harry.

Hermione felt as if she was falling apart. She needed desperately to talk about everything that was weighing on her mind, but she couldn't turn to her friends and family. They all just wanted to help, but she couldn't bare her soul to any of them without them trying to convince her to talk to Harry. She couldn't do that to him after everything she'd put him through, intentional or unintentional. Hermione knew that she had to find some way to release it all, and in an instant she knew where she had to go.

It was all arranged at Hogwarts. She was there as an honored quest, though her professors regarded her in distress when they saw firsthand their former pupil looking gaunt and unhealthy. Begging off from a meal in the Great Hall as politely as she could, she headed straight for the cemetery.

It took only an instant to find Ron's headstone, and when she did she sat to run her hands across the words etched into the stone. "Hey," she whispered brokenly. "I haven't been in a while, and I'm sorry for that." She couldn't hold back the tears any longer. "Ron I miss you so much. Every day I still expect to hear you make a goofy joke or talk with your mouth full. I can't believe it's been so long since I saw you smile or heard you laugh; I've almost forgotten what it was like to hear you laugh. I wish you were here to help me, to tell me to just get over it and help me do the right thing. I just wish you were here, that I could talk to you instead of this stone."

She'd been holding back so long that she hadn't been sure what to do, but sitting there it was as if a dam broke, and she found herself sobbing uncontrollably as tears poured from her eyes. "I've made such a mess of everything, Ron. I'm in love with him, but I didn't see it for so long and I lost him. I hurt him so badly and I just…" Her sobs overtook her words and she could only sit there as the storm of emotions battered at her.

His voice was so soft that she was afraid it was a dream. "I told him it was my fault."

Hermione stood slowly and turned in amazement to see Harry standing there. He'd put on weight, filling his face out and his emerald eyes were bright behind the frames of his glasses. "You…?"

"The day I left, I came here. I told him about everything, and I told him it was my fault. If I had only told you sooner, if I had the courage to speak up everything could have been different; I said you had a part in it, but I was afraid it was me that had ruined things between us."

She shook her head, not at all sure where to go or what to say next. "Harry what are you doing here?"

With a wry smile he pulled a stack of letters out of his jacket pocket. "Tonks, Ginny, Blaise, Dean, Remus, Molly and Arthur all sent these. They let me in on the fact that you've been punishing yourself ever since I left."

"I haven't been punishing myself," she told him, swiping angrily at her tears.

"Haven't you Hermione?"

"I've already hurt you so much Harry, I ruined everything without even knowing it. How could I…?"

Harry shook his head and his voice rose when he spoke again. "How could you what? Make it worse? Hermione I've been standing here for a good five minutes, I heard it all. How on earth could you think that telling me that would make things worse? How could you make yourself so miserable just because you thought it would be best for me?"

"How could you make yourself so miserable just because you thought it would be the best for me?" she shot back.

That knocked him a bit off balance, and he couldn't stop the smile. "You make an excellent point. We make quite a pair don't we?"

"Harry…"

He shook his head, reaching out to rest his hands gently on her shoulders. "Let's make this as easy as we possibly can. Just tell me what you told Ron, Hermione. Please."

She was shaking like a leaf, and she knew he could feel it. With her heart in her throat she looked into those vivid green eyes and opened her mouth to say the words that made her feel like she was dropping off the edge of a cliff. "I love you, Harry. Oh God." She suddenly felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her and she collapsed into his arms.

"I love you too." He caught her easily and held her fiercely to him as if he would never let her go. "I've got you."

"We've both made such a mess of this," she whispered against his neck.

Harry pulled back so he could look into her eyes, and feeling his systems flip into overdrive in anticipation, he bent to kiss her, for real this time. Their lips met gently and it was as if something clicked within both of them. Missing pieces began to fall into place as they took each other deeper and seemingly burned from the inside out. When they pulled away Harry dropped his forehead gently against hers with smile. "We'll fix it, together."

"Together."

Fin

Author's Note: Okay, I hope this final chapter doesn't seem like a cop out. Bottom line is as much as I have loved this story it's been hanging over my head for quite some time and it was just time to put it to rest. I certainly hope that it came off well and that you've enjoyed it, and I sincerely apologize for my negligence in updating and the ridiculously long span of the story as a whole. Overall, I hope you've enjoyed it. Thank you


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